Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
They’re called werewolves.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄