He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.