30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
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Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse