[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
How all things should be taught/explained.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.