Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”