it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
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FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
DOOO EEEET
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?