No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.