[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
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I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth