I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.