If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Nothing.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.