don’t we all
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Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Phonetics
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”