Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
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There is no “we” in pizza
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.