typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
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Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.