Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.