date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
You Might Also Like
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.