I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Simple enough.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no