Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Practicing safe sax
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum