PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
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Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.