Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
The government even made aliens boring
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Shoo shoo! 😂
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd