Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
You Might Also Like
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*