I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
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“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
become ungovernable
New tinder profile pic
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Finally! 😈
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator