Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Smallpox sounds so adorable
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!