I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
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Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance