St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
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Crying is a sign of leakness.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Deer are just ballerina dogs
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.