Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.