I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Whoa 😂
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Canada has crack?
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup