I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
me doing my best
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.