nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
rapatouille
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
wait.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
When your parents check you’re ok.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
😂😂
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
What flavor cupcake are these
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Cartman: Respect my
a a