when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Lube but for my dry humor.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.