[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
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Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
opening twitter today
WHO DID THIS?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
same bro
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.