I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward