I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
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The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done