LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
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[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
How long do you have to wait between naps?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.