Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[adds another nod to the conversation]