I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
He’s dead
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.