Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.