Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
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I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”