Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
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Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby