Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
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[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Anyone really
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????