My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
shut up and take my money
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti