Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
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The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
hey, alexa
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar