Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
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“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Ha
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*puts my mental health in rice
Namaste
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans