I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
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[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I have a new favorite meme page
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas