[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
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mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
he chose this
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.