Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”