Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward