Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
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You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
This hospital has everything
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…