if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
You Might Also Like
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
You’ll be OK
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?