The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*