I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
You Might Also Like
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
he’s doing your taxes
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.